Take My Wife, Please

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?'' I said, ''Dust!''
* In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
* My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
* What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
* A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower.''
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
* A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can have mine.''
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're lucky, mine's still alive.''
* How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Then there was a man who said, ''I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.''
* A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''
* The bumper sticker read: ''I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.''
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.