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Ben Kronberg: Jesus Heals

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Jesus heals cripples because heaven isn't wheelchair accessible. That sh*t was built way before wheelchairs. Besides, it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Categories: Dark Humor, God, Miscellaneous

God

$1 Million in Heaven
A Nun and Her Donkey
A Wrinkle in Time
A.J. Jamal: After Christmas
A.J. Jamal: Make a Way
A.J. Jamal: Mama's Scripture
Adam Ferrara: Basic Catholic Religion
Adam Ferrara: Easter Lesson
Adam Ferrara: Got Faith
Adam Sandler: Good Bar Mitzvah
Adam's New Organs
Al Clethen Jr.: Catholic Dad, Baptist Mom
Amy Schumer: Amy Jewmer
An tragedy, and accident, and a great loss
Andre Kelley: Adult Table
Andy Kindler: Break Up an Astrological Love-Fest
Andy Kindler: Celebrating Suffering
Andy Kindler: Hitler Obsession
Andy Kindler: Listen, Christians
Andy Kindler: No Jewish Televangelists
Andy Kindler: Orthodox Jewish Wedding
Andy Kindler: Successful Bar Mitzvah
Anthony Clark: On the Heaven's Gate Suicide Dress Code
Anthony Griffith: Baptist With Catholic Friends
Anthony Jeselnik: Christmas Gifts
Anthony Szpak: Athletes Thanking God
Arj Barker: 4th of July
Arj Barker: Have Fun Trick-or-Treating, Son
Arj Barker: Health Food Halloween Pranks
Arj Barker: No Razors in Halloween Candy
Astrologer Booty Call... Moon
Astrologer Booty Call... Third Planet
Bellboy
Ben Kronberg: God Created Cancer
Ben Kronberg: Jesus Heals
Big Jay Oakerson: Karate at the Jewish Community Center
Bill Dwyer: Polygamist Wedding Vows
Bill Hicks: Cross Jewelry
Bill Santiago: Anyone Here Speak Spanish?
Bill Santiago: Ass-Kicking From Jesus
Bill Santiago: Flying Into San Juan Scare
Black, White, Black
Blind Man & Nuns
Bonnie McFarlane: Raising the Baby
Bonnie McFarlane: Superiority
Bonnie McFarlane: Why I Date Jewish Men
Brett Butler: Beer With No Alcohol
Brian Kiley: First Confession
Bringing in Religion
Buddhist Dog
Building Big Religious Families
Carlos Mencia: Don't Care About Indians
Carlos Mencia: God Has a Sense of Humor
Carlos Mencia: On "The Passion of the Christ"
Carlos Mencia: Pray for the Pope
Carlos Mencia: Tricking Jesus
Cathy Ladman: Cheap Halloween Costume
Cathy Ladman: Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
Cathy Ladman: Inappropriate Bris
Cathy Ladman: What Is Religion?
Chad Daniels: The 12 Apostrophes
Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
Chelsea Handler: Circumcision Decision
Childless Psychics
Chris Hardwick: Priest Teacher
Christian Drugs
Christmas Chimney Congestion
Christmas Gifts for Women
Christopher Titus: Impending Armageddon
Concise Creative Writing
Copy of Jeff Dunham: Naked on Valentine's
Cory Kahaney: Handling Halloween
Cory Kahaney: Spiritual Yoga
Craig Shoemaker: Feng Shui
Cristela Alonzo: Being Catholic
Cristela Alonzo: Don't Know Anything About Jesus
Cristela Alonzo: Wine in Church
D.C. Benny: German Shepherd
D.C. Benny: Neighborhood Fortune Teller
Damien Lemon: Absentee Fathers
Damon Wayans: Fasting
Damon Wayans: Suicide Bombers
Dan Ahdoot: Iranian-Jew
Dan Mintz: Holocaust Survivor
Dan Rosen: Driving With Dad
Dan St. Germain: Mysterious Ways
Dana Gould: All Go to One Place
Dana Gould: Dating a Goth Chick
Dana Gould: Hell Exactly as You Thought
Daniel Tosh: God Does Not Hate Gay People
Daniel Tosh: To the Conservatives
Daniel Tosh: To the Mormons
Daniel Tosh: Who Sinned First
Daniel Tosh: WWJD in the Movie Theater
Daughter's Prayer
Dave Attell: Sparklers
Dave Attell: Wrong Crowd
Dave Waite: Data Entry Job
David Feldman: Greatest Weapon Against Teen Pregnancy
David Feldman: Why God Is a Woman
David O'Doherty: St. Patrick
Debbie Shea: New Easter Celebration
Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping
Denis Leary: Evolution Myth
Denis Leary: Money-Laundering Probe
Denis Leary: Tired Rick Sanchez
Deon Cole: Super-Christian Mom
DeRay: Broke on Halloween
Devil in the Church
DL Hughley: Different Religious Beliefs
DL Hughley: God and Government Percentages
DL Hughley: What the Pope Talks
Donations to the Preacher
Dov Davidoff: God's Message
Dov Davidoff: Molestation Scandals
Dov Davidoff: Outed My Cousin
Dwayne Kennedy: 9/11 Reaction
Dwayne Kennedy: Bible Stories
Dwayne Kennedy: Bible Topics
Dwayne Kennedy: Christmas Shopping
Dwayne Kennedy: White Folks on 9/11
Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac
Dyslexic Devil Worshipper
E-vil
Earthquake: Expensive Church
Earthquake: Is Jesus Black?
Earthquake: Noah Was Not Black
Earthquake: Pay God When I See Him
Easter Egg Hunt
Ed Crasnick: Visiting My Parents
Eddie Brill: Religious Leaders
Eddie Sarfaty: Strict Christian Right Family
Engineering in Hell
Eugene Mirman: Adopted
Eugene Mirman: God Is a 12-Year-Old Boy with Asperger's
Eugene Mirman: Let My People Go
Feel the Hot Burn of Shame
Fred Wolf: Falling Cross
Fred Wolf: Jesus Is Coming Back
Freddy Soto: Bible Language
Frog's Dream Girl
Frosty the Snowman
Garden of Eden
Geoff Keith: Teaching My Girlfriend About Hanukkah
Gilbert Gottfried: Feeling Bad for Jesus
Gilbert Gottfried: Jesus' Theory
Gilbert Gottfried: Mother Teresa's Miracle
Gilbert Gottfried: Old Testament Trick
Gilbert Gottfried: The Last Supper
God's Dead Dog
Grant Taylor: Christian Gifts
Grant Taylor: Elvis and Jesus
Grant Taylor: Elvis and Jesus, After Death
Greg Behrendt: Halloween Rules
Greg Behrendt: Jesus Is Ripped
Greg Fitzsimmons: New York Airport Safety Precautions
Greg Fitzsimmons: On St. Patrick's Day
Greg Giraldo: On Catholicism
Greg Giraldo: On Islam
Greg Giraldo: Valentine's From Grandma
Greg Giraldo: What the Jews Believe
Greg Warren: Cheating at Chess
Gregg Rogell: 10 Jews on a Basketball Court
Gregg Rogell: Big Shot Santa
Gregg Rogell: Bush Reading the Bible
Gregg Rogell: Fundamentalist Muslims
Gregg Rogell: Jews Are Not Athletic People
Gregg Rogell: No Santa
Gregg Rogell: Thanksgiving Day Parade
Gregg Rogell: The Islamic Ramadan Holiday
Gum
Hannibal Buress: Praying for You
Hari Kondabolu: Hatred Between Faiths
Hari Kondabolu: Vegan Thanksgiving
Hari Kondabolu: White Chocolate
Harland Williams: Talking in Church
Heaven vs. Hell
Heavenly Marital Help
His Holy Crossword
Holy Water
Holy Water + Castor Oil
Hugh Fink: Ethnic Sports Names
Iliza Shlesinger: Hair Too Long
Iliza Shlesinger: Polar Bears
In His Image
Incredible Confession
Isaac Witty: Visiting the Middle East
J.J. Wall: Sexy Multiple Wife Thing
Jack Coen: Belief in God
Jack Coen: Grasping Faith as a Child
Jackie Kashian: Father's Advice
Jacob Sirof: New Year's Baby
Jake Johannsen: Cult Leader
James Patterson: Astrology
Jamie Kennedy: The Eucharist
Janine DiTullio: Health Insurance Plan
Jason Kuller: Awkward Dirty Talk
Jeff Dunham: Celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah
Jeff Dunham: Father's Day Card Idea
Jeff Dunham: Father's Day Card Signature
Jeff Dunham: Father's Day Cards - Today is Your Day
Jeff Dunham: Father's Day is No Different
Jeff Dunham: Free Love
Jeff Dunham: Illusion of Mother?s Day Relaxation
Jeff Dunham: Love Bites
Jeff Dunham: Meat Thermometer Tip
Jeff Dunham: Mother's Day Card Idea
Jeff Dunham: On Reincarnation
Jeff Dunham: Penicillin for Valentine's
Jeff Dunham: Politically Correct Father's Day Card
Jeff Dunham: Shamefulness of Batman
Jeff Dunham: Valentine's Day is for Everyone
Jeff Dunham: Virgins in Paradise
Jeff Dunham: What A Gift Card Says
Jeff Dunham: WWJD in a Spousal Argument
Jeff Garcia: Where's Jesus?
Jeff Mac: Religious Protests
Jeff Marder: Out of Business Psychic
Jeff Ross: Jewish Holiday
Jeff Ross: Jewish Show Business
Jeff Stilson: After-Game Sports Interviews
Jeff Stilson: Poor Jesus
Jeffrey Ross: The Deal God Gave Us
Jehovah's Witness & Atheist
Jesse Popp: Horoscopes
Jessi Klein: Being Jewish
Jessi Klein: Hanukkah Tradition
Jessica Bern: Doing the Crossword
Jesus and Moses Play Golf
Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...
Jesus gives speech
Jim Gaffigan: Ultimate Bragging Rights
Jimmie Walker: Another Jimmy Stewart Scandal
Jimmy Carr: God's Children
Jimmy Carr: Love Too Much
Jimmy Carr: On "The Passion of the Christ"
Jimmy Dore: Catholic School
Jimmy Dore: Really Catholic
Jingle Balls
John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day
John Oliver: Muslim in America
John Oliver: Pope Benedict XVI the Aries
John Oliver: Voice of God
Jon Dore: Two Simple Rules
Jon Ross: My Brother's Rare Trick
Jon Ross: Therapy vs. Psychic
Jordan Rubin: Changed My Name
Josh Sneed: Little Hip Hop Cousin
Judah Friedlander: Broke Up With My Boyfriend
Judah Friedlander: On Shintoism
Judy Gold: Knowing Who's Jewish
Julia Sweeney: A Question for God
Juston McKinney: Scratch Tickets for Christmas
Karen Rontowski: Divorced Christian Women
Karen Rontowski: Religious Channels in New York City
Kathleen Madigan: Smoking in Public
Keith Robinson: Jeane Dixon
Keith Robinson: What Pedophiles Want to Be Called
Kevin Rooney: Hand Puppets
Kjell Bjorgen: Attention-Seeking Kids
Kumail Nanjiani: Stupid People
Lance Crouther: Hitting on Women in Church
Larry Amoros: Respect for Satan
Larry Miller: The Safest Leader
Laura Kightlinger: Christmas Sadness
Laura Kightlinger: Energy Crystals
Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely
Laura Kightlinger: Parents of Octuplets
Laura Kightlinger: St. Patrick's Day Parade
Lauren Dombrowski: Holidays Are Important
Lauren Dombrowski: No Need to Look
Law School for Nuns
Len Austrevich: Santa Claus Calls
Leo Allen: Experiencing Racism
Lewis Black: Absolute Faith
Lewis Black: All the Candy Corn Ever Made
Lewis Black: Christian Calendar
Lewis Black: Eight Days of Hanukkah
Lewis Black: Hanukkah Gifts
Lewis Black: Jerry Falwell's 9/11 Theories
Liar Sermon
Light Bulbs for Christians
Lisa Lampanelli: Sexual History
Lisa Lampanelli: Such a Disaster
Lisa Landry: All-Girl Catholic School
Lisa Landry: Catholic Mom, Jewish Dad
Lisa Landry: Middle East Peace Plan
Lisa Landry: One Virgin in Catholic School
Little Johnny and God
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
Little Johnny... Thanksgiving Greetings
Lizz Winstead: Catholic Neighborhood
Lizz Winstead: Find Your Center
Lizz Winstead: Jesse Helms
Lizz Winstead: New Testament
Loni Love: All the Holidays
Loni Love: Jesus Sighting
Loni Love: Jesus Was Black
Loni Love: On Tom Cruise
Mafia Christmas
Make-a-Wish Foundation
Manufactured Innocence
Marc Maron: Creationist Argument
Marc Maron: If Jesus Comes Back
Marc Maron: Jesus at the Mall
Marc Maron: Jesus' Popularity
Marc Maron: The Appeal of George W. Bush
Marc Maron: Who's God Talking To?
Maria Bamford: Faith in God
Maria Bamford: Religious Worship
Maria's Vida Loca
Mark Brazill: Marriage for Priests
Mark Cohen: Last Time in Temple
Mark Curry: No Halloween Costumes
Mary's PMS
Matt Braunger: Even Funner Halloween
Medieval Booty Call... Play
Megan Mooney: Big Catholic Family
Megan Mooney: The Irish and the Mexicans
Men are Simple
Michael Estime: Finding Jesus in Jail
Michael Estime: Heavy Metal Gospel
Michael Kosta: Atheist Grace
Michael Palascak: No Sex Until Marriage
Mike Birbiglia: Christian Rock
Mike Birbiglia: Everyone Gets a Valentine
Mike Birbiglia: I Was an Altar Boy
Mike DeStefano: Fundamentalist Christian
Mike DeStefano: Growing Up Catholic
Mike Dugan: Dick Clark at the Psychic's
Mike Dugan: Heaven or Hell
Mike Dugan: On Abortion
Mike MacDonald: Either Funny or Not
Mike MacDonald: Jesus Stamp
Mistaken Identity
Mo Mandel: Only Jewish Kid
Myq Kaplan: Five-Tiered Religious Zone
Myq Kaplan: Had It Rough
Myq Kaplan: Jewish Divorce Custom
Myq Kaplan: Religious Fanatics
Myq Kaplan: Religious Fiction
Myq Kaplan: Uber-Jewish
Myq Kaplan: Wearing Crosses
Naming Jesus
Narcoleptic Priest
Natasha Leggero: Making Fun in High School
Neal Brennan: Presents for Women
New Way for the Nuns
Nick DiPaolo: On Pope John Paul II's Death
Nick DiPaolo: Venice Beach vs. Time Square
Nine Is Enough
No Revolving Doors
Non-Profit Atheism
Nunsense
One day Adam and Eve notice God...
Packed in One Honda
Patton Oswalt: Coloring Easter Eggs
Patton Oswalt: If I Had Settled This Country
Patton Oswalt: The Apocalypse
Patton Oswalt: The Bible
Paul Kozlowski: Catholics Clapping
Paul Provenza: Catholic View on Sex
Paul Provenza: Church Is Theater
Paul Provenza: Give It Up for Lent
Paul Provenza: Inner Child
Paul Varghese: Knock Knock Joke
Paul Varghese: The Bible Is Boring
Pearly Gate Quiz
Penelope Lombard: Late Period
Poker Trio
Pope + Hooker = Mirth
Prayer for the Winning
Pregnant Nun
Priests and Christmas Trees
Rabbi and Priest
Raining Money
Red, White & Blue Christmas
Redneck Christmas Shopping
Redneck Poetry
Reggie McFadden: Jehovah's Witnesses
Religious Nuts
Rene Hicks: Amish Irony
Rich Vos: Christmas Decorations
Rich Vos: Good Friday
Rich Vos: Jewish History
Richard Jeni: Going to Mass
Richard Jeni: War Over Religion
Richard Lewis: Amish Friends
Richard Lewis: Jewish Center League Sports
Richard Lewis: Jewish Juggler
Richard Lewis: Jewish Mobster
Richard Lewis: Jewish Satellite Dish
Rickey Smiley: When You Laugh at Offensive Jokes
Rickey Smiley: White Church
Rodney Johnson: Friends After "Malcolm X'
Rory Scovel: Haunted House
Rory Scovel: WWJD
Ryan Stout: Pro-Life Argument
Saint Patrick's Day Troubleshooting
Sandra Bernhard: Purim
Santa Claus's Plans
Scott Kennedy: Changing Religions
Sean Morey: St. Patrick's Day Tradition
Sean Murphy: Why God Is a Man
Sex Before Communion
Sexual Confessional
Sheng Wang: Eating a Pomegranate
Sheng Wang: Summer in New York City
Shoulda Gone to A.A.
Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble
Sinful Conception
Single Guy Holiday
Sister Anne's Reward
Sleep Walking Nun
Sleepwalking Nun
Slippery Slope
Some Character
Spell L-O-V-E
St. Patrick Taunts
St. Paul vs. Minneapolis
St. Peter Asks the Blondes About Easter
Statues Come to Life
Steve Marmel: Michael Kennedy
Steve Marmel: Mormons
Steve McGrew: Other Half of the Brain
Steve Mittleman: Jesus in Venice
Steve Shaffer: Catholic Parochial Education
Steve Sweeney: Growing Up Catholic
Sunday School Daze
Suzanne Whang: How Do You Get a Nun Pregnant?
Switcheroo
Taylor Negron: Inner Child
Teacher Arrested
Ted Alexandro: Girls' Halloween Costumes
Ted Alexandro: Mardi Gras
Ted Alexandro: Michael Jackson Gets Too Much Press
Ted Alexandro: Renewing Baptismal Vows
Texas A&M Nativity Loss
Texas Sphincters
Thank The lord!
That Damn Ham
The Bus Driver
The Confession
The Deacon's Last Words
The Devout Catholic Woman
The End is Near
The Eve of Creation
The Exorcist
The FortyNunners
The Funky Parrot
The Golfer's Confession
The Holy Water
The Homeless Couple and the Priest
The Jewish Vote
The Joy of Christmas Cards
The Key to Heaven
The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel
The Little Girl and the Wrinkles
The Lord's Name in Vain
The Lottery Ticket
The Most Gruesome Death
The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator...
The Pope Drives
The Power of God Can't Raise Your Load
The Priest and the Christmas Tree
The Seven Dwarves Go to Rome
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
The Statues
The Story of Hanukkah
The Vow of Celebracy
Theo Von: Real Christian Home
Thoughts on Religion
Three Couples and Church
Three Hymns
Three Nuns
Three Nuns Get Quizzed in Heaven
Tim Young: Adam Alone
Todd Barry: Pink Yarmulke
Todd Barry: The Body Shop
Tom Kenny: Star Trek Fans in Heaven's Gate
Tom Kenny: The Pope-Mobile
Tom Rhodes: Christian Tax Services
Tommy Davidson: Psychic Hotline
Top 10 reasons to like Hanukkah
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas
Top Ten Ways the Bible is Out of Date
Unappreciated Hanukkah Gift
Upholding the Cloth
Valentine's Day Flowers
Vedil worshipper
Walking in a Doggie Wonderland
Walking on Water
Walks Into a Bar... The Whole Gang
Wanda Sykes: Family Never Forgets
Wanda Sykes: On Pope John Paul II
War Boarder
West Virginia's Yearly Confusion
What a Coincidence
What Causes Arthritis, Father?
What do you get when you cross a Scottish...
What's the difference between Jesus and...
What's the Difference?
Where Is God?
Who Is God?
Why can't skeletons play music in ...
Why God Created Man
Why Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas
Why Man Before Woman
Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
William Wilson: Graduate Church
William Wilson: Hot Brick Church
Women in Heaven
Work Genesis
Wrong Kind Of Collection
Y2K Nostalgia
Ya Wanna Find Jesus?
Yo Mama... Christmas Corner
Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Noah's Ark
Yo' Mama Is So Old... Jesus
Yo' Mama Is So Old... Resident
Yo' Mama Is So Poor... Christmas
Yo' Mama Is So Poor... Offering Plate
Yo' Mama Is So Stupid... PMS
Yo' Mama Is So Ugly... Dating Yo' Dad
Yo' Mama Is So Ugly... Halloween
Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Energies
Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Free
Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Karma
Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Past
You SINNER!!!!!!!
You're So Ugly... Mistletoe
Zen Sausage

Animal
Blonde
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Cross the Road
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Dirty
Doctor
Fat
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Partying & Bad Behavior
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Police & Military
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School
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Travel & Car
Walks into a Bar
Work
Yo' Mama

Jokes

Ben Kronberg: Jesus Heals

Ben Kronberg: Jesus Heals

God

$1 Million in Heaven

A Nun and Her Donkey

A Wrinkle in Time

A.J. Jamal: After Christmas

A.J. Jamal: Make a Way

A.J. Jamal: Mama's Scripture

Adam Ferrara: Basic Catholic Religion

Adam Ferrara: Easter Lesson

Adam Ferrara: Got Faith

Adam Sandler: Good Bar Mitzvah

Adam's New Organs

Al Clethen Jr.: Catholic Dad, Baptist Mom

Amy Schumer: Amy Jewmer

An tragedy, and accident, and a great loss

Andre Kelley: Adult Table

Andy Kindler: Break Up an Astrological Love-Fest

Andy Kindler: Celebrating Suffering

Andy Kindler: Hitler Obsession

Andy Kindler: Listen, Christians

Andy Kindler: No Jewish Televangelists

Andy Kindler: Orthodox Jewish Wedding

Andy Kindler: Successful Bar Mitzvah

Anthony Clark: On the Heaven's Gate Suicide Dress Code

Anthony Griffith: Baptist With Catholic Friends

Anthony Jeselnik: Christmas Gifts

Anthony Szpak: Athletes Thanking God

Arj Barker: 4th of July

Arj Barker: Have Fun Trick-or-Treating, Son

Arj Barker: Health Food Halloween Pranks

Arj Barker: No Razors in Halloween Candy

Astrologer Booty Call... Moon

Astrologer Booty Call... Third Planet

Bellboy

Ben Kronberg: God Created Cancer

Ben Kronberg: Jesus Heals

Big Jay Oakerson: Karate at the Jewish Community Center

Bill Dwyer: Polygamist Wedding Vows

Bill Hicks: Cross Jewelry

Bill Santiago: Anyone Here Speak Spanish?

Bill Santiago: Ass-Kicking From Jesus

Bill Santiago: Flying Into San Juan Scare

Black, White, Black

Blind Man & Nuns

Bonnie McFarlane: Raising the Baby

Bonnie McFarlane: Superiority

Bonnie McFarlane: Why I Date Jewish Men

Brett Butler: Beer With No Alcohol

Brian Kiley: First Confession

Bringing in Religion

Buddhist Dog

Building Big Religious Families

Carlos Mencia: Don't Care About Indians

Carlos Mencia: God Has a Sense of Humor

Carlos Mencia: On "The Passion of the Christ"

Carlos Mencia: Pray for the Pope

Carlos Mencia: Tricking Jesus

Cathy Ladman: Cheap Halloween Costume

Cathy Ladman: Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh

Cathy Ladman: Inappropriate Bris

Cathy Ladman: What Is Religion?

Chad Daniels: The 12 Apostrophes

Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa

Chelsea Handler: Circumcision Decision

Childless Psychics

Chris Hardwick: Priest Teacher

Christian Drugs

Christmas Chimney Congestion

Christmas Gifts for Women

Christopher Titus: Impending Armageddon

Concise Creative Writing

Copy of Jeff Dunham: Naked on Valentine's

Cory Kahaney: Handling Halloween

Cory Kahaney: Spiritual Yoga

Craig Shoemaker: Feng Shui

Cristela Alonzo: Being Catholic

Cristela Alonzo: Don't Know Anything About Jesus