Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
Q. What is the definition of "making love?"
A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let her cook in the dark.
Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual and B.S.E.?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet that on your d**k.
Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".